Thyroid-less Ultrasound

If possible, I’d like to keep my “thyroid cancer survivor” status for the rest of my life.  That’s what I was yesterday and again today and hopefully tomorrow as well.  But to stay on top of those sneaky thyroid cancer cells, my Endo Dr. recommended a thyroid ultrasound and blood work tests twice a year for a very long time to come.  Oh Joy…NOT!

I just made my ”thyroid-less” ultrasound appointment for next week.  (Since I had a total thyroidectomy last January, I now refer to it as a “thyroid-less” ultrasound.)  This will be my second time doing the six month check of my neck routine.  The first time (post-cancer) I had the ultrasound done, the technician seemed to hover over the upper left side of my neck. She smoothly glided the ultrasound wand around the gel over my neck without any cause for suspicion.  Then she got to that one spot on the left and I felt my stomach start to form imaginary knots.  It’s one of the worst feelings in the world…overwhelming fear!

The results did show some swollen lymph nodes which usually happen if you’re getting sick.  Normally there is no cause for concern, but since I had cancer, my Endo Dr. wants to see what the results show next time.  I guess that is supposed to make me feel better?  So almost six months have gone by and I have only thought about the thyroid ultrasound a handful of times.  But the occurence in the number of thoughts dramatically increased after I made that ultrasound appointment for next week.  The overwhelming flood of thoughts and feelings are back! 

At times, being a cancer survivor is like being a passenger (or hostage) on a ship sailing along the sea of the unknown.  I’m not in control of where it will go.  At times, there are lots of storms out at sea.  Then without warning, the ship sails into peaceful, calm waters.  I found myself starting to feel a little sea-sick thinking about the upcoming ultrasound.

It starts with the fear-based thoughts.  “Is there going to be a swollen lymph node on the left side of my neck again?”  “I don’t want to go through this again.”  “What if they find another nodule in my neck?”  “I’m gonna have to have surgery again.”  “I feel so anxious.”  “I can’t stop thinking about it.”  “I know the cancer is back.” ”I’m going to have to miss more time from work.” “People are probably so tired of hearing me talk about it.”

Then come the faith-based thoughts.  ”Everything is fine in this moment.”  “My Higher Power is right here with me.”  ”I am taking care of myself by getting the ultrasound.”  “Everything is fine.”  “I’m a survivor!”  “I’m going to keep things in perspective.”  “What’s the point of worrying?”  “I am focusing on the good thoughts and allow the negative ones to melt away.”  “I have so many friends and family that love and support me.”  “I am so grateful to be alive today.”  “I’m going to live each moment to the fullest!”

So back and forth my thoughts go over the course of the day.  And as I write about it, I feel a calmness coming over me.  There’s a quiet voice that let’s me know once again that it will work out the way it works out.  Besides, it will all be done by this time next week.  Well, at least done until the next six months go by.

 

Thyroid Intuition

Growing up, going to the doctor for our annual physical exam was taken seriously in my family.  Besides having high cholesterol, I was a healthy kid.  As I got older, I remember my doctor making comments about how my neck looked a little thick.  It seemed to change a bit in size and looked puffy in the front at times.  Dr. Malinow always checked my thyroid levels as part of the lab work during my physicals and it always came back normal.  But every year when I went back, Dr. Malinow made sure my thyroid levels were added to the lab work.  He used to say that he would rather be safe than sorry. 

In 1999, Even though the lab work came back normal, Dr. Malinow went with his intuition once again.  But this time he sent me for a thyroid sonogram.  When the results came back, there was a very small nodule on my thyroid.  Thyroid Nodule 1999 It is very common to have nodules in the thyroid and based on the shape and what he could see there was no need to do anything more than watch it.  So every few years, Dr. Malinow sent me back for a thyroid sonogram “just to be safe.”  Each time it came back and the nodule was the same size and shape.  

In 2007 after the thyroid sonogram results came back Dr. Malinow noticed a change in the shape of the nodule.  It was probably nothing, but he wanted to be “safe instead of sorry” and recommended that I go see an Endocrinologist.  I took his advice and didn’t think anything of it. 

It took about three months before the Endrocrinologist has an appointment available.  So I went on living my life and totally forgot about the nodule.  It wasn’t until a few months later when I was in the office of my new Endocrinologist, Dr. Madoff that I gave it any thought. 

Dr. Madoff looked over the thyroid sonogram and compared the notes to the notes from the previous years.  Then he said that he wanted me to go have a fine needle aspiration biopsy.  I thought, “What? Did he just say BIOPSY?!!”  I must have looked like a deer frozen by headlights.  Time slowed down.  He continued talking but I couldn’t hear anything.  I just saw his lips moving.  I kept thinking, “Biopsy goes with CANCER!!!  Do I have cancer?!!! What is going on here? Did he say biopsy?”  Then I took a deep breath.

I calmed down enough to ask him for more information about the nodule and the biopsy procedure.  He assured me that 95% of all nodules are non-malignant. That made me feel better.  But deep down in my gut, I knew that I was going to be in the 5% category.  Call it thyroid inuition, but I knew that it was cancer.  And this was one thing that I did not want to be right about at all.